The Autobahn

So the German autobahn is not the ideal road to find yourself stranded on with the cars and lorries hurtling past at unknown speeds.  However, Ivan threw a paddy when we left Stuttgart and decided we should visit the hard shoulder for most of the evening. Having left Stuttgart on a complete high and totally relaxed, we popped in to pick up some shopping, and to buy copious amounts of recommended beers. So fed and stocked up we began a 3 ½ hour journey to Frankenjura. We predicted we would make it at half 6 at the latest, with a rest stop half way for a snack and a widdle. About an hour into the journey we were pottering along the autobahn at our usual 60 mile an hour pace (slow and steady wins the race) whilst chatting to Paul I was concentrating on taking a cool pic of the setting sun through the wing mirror…

 The quiet before the storm

 When Ivan let out a huge bang and smoke started bellowing along the passenger side. Hazards on and straight into the hard shoulder, armed with our hi vis jackets and a safety triangle, we carefully crept round the van to see what the commotion was. Was this the end of Ivan???

NAH …

course not Ivan’s a trooper, he just needed a new foot. The front passenger tyre had blown out in spectacular fashion, and was still smoking. Regrouping on the safe and quiet side of Ivan we discussed the potential danger of trying to change a tyre on the Autobahn. Ivan only just fit in the hard shoulder and shook uncontrollably when lorries passed. To make it worse the blow out was on the traffic side. After a couple of minutes we had a plan, and with Paul at the wheel and me as a guide we managed to limp Ivan forward about 100m, to pull him ever so slightly onto a grassy hill between the barriers. This gave us about 1metre between the wheel and the white line…. Hopefully enough.

Within five minutes we had the jack and had very carefully managed to retrieve the spare tyre from underneath Ivan (while dodging back and forth to avoid crazy drivers).

Our attempt at changing the tyre

Totally Flat

We retrieved the spare

Right, where do we jack it?? Inspecting the driver’s side for safety reasons we could find no obvious points to place the jack, it was either too tall to fit under the good looking areas or didn’t go high enough  to even reach the others, ok this was not as simple as a car. We decided to place the jack at the only place that looked possible and began to lift, fingers crossed we didn’t break something else. But as we lifted the wheel stayed grounded and the metal frame work under the van started to twist. This was obviously not right. With all the traffic skimming past and Paul’s legs and arse getting closer to the white line, I called for a regroup, back on the safer side of Ivan we decided that unless we knew how to correctly operate the jack, this was not the place or time to try and learn. It was simply too risky.

Ok new plan, with my best sad face I was going to stand in the hard shoulder further up and try to pity somebody into stopping. So we could at least borrow a phone to contact our breakdown company. Yes that’s right we are the silly sods that go travelling without phones, a great money saving ideas, but a bit of a no-brainer in situations like this. As I was plucking up the courage and rehearsing how to ask for help in German, the boys in blue turned up. Excellent the cavalry had arrived (the second time this trip we have been thankful for the arrival of the police) The officers where lovely and whilst I contacted our breakdown cover the police officers seemed more interested in the age and design of Ivan, than in checking our legal documentation. They enthusiastically asked Paul about our travels and our plans, while I answered mind-numbing questions regarding our situation. Why ASDA cared if I was travelling with animals, before they would agree to change a tyre is beyond me, and once I told all this information to ASDA I was transferred to another company to repeat the whole thing again.  I got off the phone at 17:10 the sun was just starting to set and the police promised to check back to make sure we had been rescued in just over an hour.

At this point I would like to say that we gave the recovery service our exact location. We provided the road number, the kilometre marker (that we had helpfully broken down next too)the two junction numbers we were between with both names of the towns spelt out clearly, and the direction of travel from one town to the next, again spelt out to ensure it was written correctly.

A ten year old using nothing but a cycle bike and google maps could have found us quicker than the recovery company.

It’s getting dark now

The police returned as promised at 19:30 and they were as unimpressed as we were that we were still sitting in the hard shoulder. A second phone call to our breakdown company…and in fairness to ASDA they repeated our exact location perfectly and contacted the recovery company to see what stage they were at. I was on hold when it was broken with an abrupt gentleman from the other company. “we have been looking for you, our agents couldn’t find you” “you gave us incorrect details” remaining pleasant I asked if they would repeat the details they have for us, and I was met with “no, you tell me where you are again” I began the painstaking process of naming everything again, only when I got to the kilometre marker he stuttered and asked me to repeat it. He was ten kilometres out, not much but enough to put the position between the wrong junctions. So somewhere someone had been a numpty. The police officer finished the phone call for us and reiterated our position. So we jumped back in Ivan with the promise they would be here within half an hour. 

When the recovery truck arrived an hour later, they had police in tow to provide a slowdown warning, any embarrassment we were feeling for not being able to change the tyre ourselves was quickly dissipated. The two men used an industrial sized jack and several chocks to lift Ivan and they were so cautious, dashing back and forth to avoid lorries and cars. They were even a little annoyed we had attempted to perform the task ourselves; stating that these autobahns are crazy and I quote “crazy car drivers pass and catch your arse…then that’s it!” 

The Boys in BLue

Almost fixed

Recovery!

Ivan was fixed quickly and efficiently, we went our separate ways, at the grand time of 21.00 a total of 4 hours sat on the autobahn. We were so grateful for the assistance, we had a totally flat tyre in tow, and the recovery men had a thank you bottle of beer each in tow.

Boy do we know how to make a scene…